I can never sleep when I know I have to wake up early. Something about knowing I have a finite amount of time to sleep or I may get none at all. It causes anxiety in me which of course keeps me from getting rest and if I wake up in the middle of the night I usually have trouble getting back to bed for that same reason.
Often times I have these dreams where I die. Now from what I was told by the Matrix and Inception, when you die in a dream you wake up. But not me, I stay dead for awhile and experience what I can only describe as oblivion for what seems like forever. I then wake up realizing that one day in the not too distant future, I am destined to die and there is nothing I can do about it. No amount of love, money, or strength can save me from this fate and everything I do, is simply a delay of the inevitable.
It’s a difficult concept, oblivion. Even when we are sleeping our minds are still working. Or when you get blackout drunk or put under for surgery, you wake up with gaps in the story, but there was still a last memory and your current state of mind to hold onto. Oblivion on the other hand, has nothing. It is neither black nor white, cold or hot, frightening or calming. It is nothing. The complete absence of sense, emotion, and consciousness.
It’s funny how most of life is about acquiring things, relationships, and money. And when faced with death it’s about coping with the idea of letting go of everything. It sometimes bums me out that as a professional party thrower, the one event I won’t get to go to is my own funeral. I think (and I know this is morbid), that my funeral would be the best party for me ever thrown simply because it’s real. It’s not about the music or the alcohol, it’s about how you affected peoples lives. I’d want mine to be a celebration, and since everything we do these days is filmed or recorded, it would be like a “Brandons Greatest Hits” Party.
I read a book called the 50th rule wherein it describes the power of fearlessness and how everyones death, no matter what form it takes, is in them from the day they are born. There is no shaking it and the sooner you come to grips with that, the more powerfully you can live your life. I find it interesting because that is usually peoples goal of life: enjoying it. Of course more weight is put upon your actions for those that believe in an afterlife. I always wondered why atheists aren’t completely devoid of morals and ethics, because in their reality, if they don’t get caught doing bad things, there is no consequence… but I digress.
When I wake up from my near death experiences, I try to shake it off and take from it an appreciation of life, that’s it’s finite quality and mysterious ending only serve to make it more valuable and to breathe in every moment.